Morning Writing Therapy Session: Sadomasochistic Saturday
I held back on writing and posting my journal entry from this mornings writing session, but I feel better now, having done so. I take the chance my wife will be upset with me again, but fuck it. I'm sorry, for expressing myself to the public. Just fuck it. I'll feel the pain the consequences. When too many situations fuck me up at once, I dissociate and obsess on tortuous sadomasochistic thinking, and desires, precisely how I constructed most of my novel. The negative thoughts make me feel better. It's uncontrollable. I want to kick and scream, in rage, but I do not believe I'd be heard. It feels like living in the world entirely by myself. Sure it is a self-aware symptom of my mental illness, schizophrenia often makes me paranoid not permitting me to tell others how I feel deep inside, unless it is positive, happy stuff. Inside I'm full of pain. It’s stupid stuff; I missed out of some great opportunities. I dropped more money as advised to do, and it went to waste. I can't afford this, where is my money? Broken promises. Fuck, I am angry, man. I worked so hard for recent things that never even happened, so I lose, then my wife (who is sad again, as always, if I'm sad, like right now, so I lose a couple of thousand dollars of good and services; I feel I should have received and deserved, with the right help. Because of an interruption while I write this, I have been struggling with M, my doctor advises me to trust everything about other people's intention, (and he'll say that is not true, it is a delusion, or smoke some dope, which does calm me, and not give a fuck, it other words let go of stupid shit.) Dude, it's so crazy, man, unless I am feeling great. I grow angrier and more scared as I close this post but my wife and I (sure, blame me, M) but shit isn’t right or calm lately. I already lost, M) so it's all yours. Fuck this shit. Just fuck it. Ah, the bliss. The beauty in the chaotic utopia wanders. Fuck it dude, man. Embracing the mellow Chaos, as I go off my psychiatric medication for the first time since I was 12. I am 40 now. Peace, man. I'm Audi 5000 telling myself, "Jonathan, just wake up to reality.” And I can't.
-- Jonathan Harnisch