September 6, 2012, Porcelain Utopia
There are times in Life when I have to deal with “awful” things; things I just can’t ignore. The way I cope is by giving such things all the time and attention they need, however, not one single second longer than that. I invite you to do the same.
Take the time to enjoy all the good and beauty Life has to offer.
Over the years in my own darkness, and even the light—all of it, especially the loss of my family, finances and my mind (even over 1,000 hours of film and video footage I shot since I was 11) as I often bring up on The Real Me podcast, Porcelain Utopia and my documentaries, I always had hope. At one time (I think it’s in one of my other documentaries) I speak candidly, in my own self-aware psychosis about having nothing, at least nothing “good,” and that I didn’t even want help, and even then I always had hope. It started with my not knowing what I was even hoping for (perhaps a miracle, or just some relief, wanting to press the pause button of Life) from there, patience, then mindfulness, and the camera which I’d look into and just talk to my then-invisible audience. Spirituality was always there and even with the schizophrenia, I had my “imaginary friends” (if that makes sense?) The ‘positive‘ symptoms (voices and hallucinations) both good and evil—the “good,” the angels, always cancelled out the “evil”—told me I was brilliant, gave me brilliant ideas, many of a grandiose nature, but then again, most of my life had been rather grand and abundant.
Taking such well respected theorists (Carl Jung, John Weir Perry, and R.D. Laing’s) approach that there’s so much we don’t know about Life, but that science might even suggest that such symptoms, could very well be real in some way, and with all the loss and trauma for example, and the idea, not even a belief necessarily that “everything happens for a reason…” I still couldn’t see the meaning, so I came up with my own, and then the hope became my purpose. It grew and changed and evolved, as did my authenticity, and lately my self-acceptance and forgiveness of others’ actions, especially my own, and the way that I looked at the world. I took the leap and when I began to change the way I thought (which can be difficult with Sz) my values changed, also out of need, but with time, the miracles started to occur, just not as I had expected. Sometimes I just have to stay put and let go completely. It’s often impossible not to get caught up in the moment of negativity for me, whether I just bruised my hand on a door, or some drawn-out legal matter is haunting every minute of the day, but once I could get that far, and start really thinking, believing and feeling simultaneously all the little clichéd quotes like the ones I sometimes post on Porcelain Utopia and elsewhere, they’re all incredibly true. Currently I’ve been choosing which things in my life I want to deal with and just do one thing at a time, in my own way. Being true to myself first, then others and when I miss the mark, I start over.
If any of you are still struggling (I think we all are and we are all in need of healing in some way or another) I’m confident you will succeed and come out of the darkness where most of you already know is where the light is.
I’m so happy that I have touched so many of you in some way. My goal had always been just one person, and now my “audience” is well over 100 million. To some I’m otherwise just some mental health problem; to my best of friends and myself, I am a person. And we all are. What we have in common is Love. I could write volumes about this, and actually I do have many movies, books, and art not online, just on my list. But most are complete.
As I wrote to a close friend this morning, “Feel my big bear hug. I feel yours. It’s unbelievable. “
I received an email from Bill Clinton’s office a short while ago [revision: 2 days ago, having written this part on Sept. 4th] asking me for additional information to recognize me for my work in mental health advocacy. A minute later, the head of a major Hollywood studio I was acquainted with during my years working in Los Angeles and New York wrote me about a $200 million budget period piece film script I’d written that’s been sitting on my shelf for over ten years, as well as his own. It was apparent they were going to green light it after all this time.
My browser and Internet and even my website crashed for a minute and the two emails and all it’s data instantly deleted. As an official developer for Google (I use Gmail and Chrome) and have owned Google stock since day one which is worth over $1.2 billion today. My family took control of it in January 2010. I have no credit and no money, my credit score had been around 780-790 and now I’m still in debt.
The finances that allowed me to purchase Google IPO came from a conceptual patent which as I have written and spoken of in the past outlined the online shopping interface initially for Price Club. It was called the Price Club Quest. It still exists as a kiosk in most major retail stores today. My father was a founding financier of the company at the time (1991—I was 15 and the Internet was just released to the public by the British.) Such companies as Amazon, Wal-Mart and Target have benefited from my written idea. I have held onto the original records, dated and signed as well.
Today [again, 2 days ago now] it was confirmed from a notable patent attorney contact who wrote me an hour or two after writing him, that I indeed I have all that I need even without an actual patent in order to not only avoid court, and to first get the patent itself, the records are in fact the only necessary items. I had scanned him a copy. Mainly a forty-page writing piece with diagrams, research, analysis and the like.
[Still, 2 days ago…] I’m deciding a sort of vow of poverty in this matter, as within I assume a few moths but I don’t know, and with no fee, I could quadruple my actual net worth which was removed from me because I am mentally ill—perhaps brilliantly “insane” (ugh…) nevertheless, I have chosen to not pursue this, which would simply be a matter of replying “Yes, I’ll hand over the Price Club Quest file,” (he would come out here to avoid any errors or loss of mail via carrier.)
I want my life and I have it today I received likely the greatest gifts via email—miracles. And all I want to do is spend time on my farm, with our horses, goats, donkeys, ducks, dogs, cats and bird. All I want to do is make my little music therapy tunes, my homemade iMovie and YouTube videos, and to help one of my best friends in the world who happens to have once been the most famous person in the world, he now struggles himself.
I have now stabilized for over three months on my medication and therapy regimen for my diagnosis with a rare schizophrenia spectrum disorder with autistic features often presenting me with gifts, “visions’ and miracles. My otherwise bad day does not mean I have a bad life. In the heat of my own otherwise-darkness right now, and my dilemma which is in my favor, I just want to continue what I am doing and decline credit or restitution for simply helping the world in feeling okay with their own mental health issues by offering inspiration when I am able, and to just know of my countless other achievements in film and TV which having entertained millions, and that others in the world, and myself, are able to purchase almost anything on the Internet. I think my job is done.
This might very well be my last actual blog post on Porcelain Utopia and recording on The Real Me Podcast. Things change and we’ll just have to see. I’m just longing for the simpler life, eliminating stress and even the pressure I feel to constantly be producing and creating. It often tends to become too much for me, to feel the need, for the most part all the time, to do. At least I am approaching my work much less as imperatively, so I can focus more on my own health and Life, making choices and decisions, which sometimes change.
I’ve already sent in my letters of resignation as for developing software for Google, Apple and Microsoft. I have saved all my royalty checks from my published anthologies, as the physical checks framed on my wall means more than $50 here, $100 there.
I know who I am and I know what I want. I know that I change. We all change, and we survive. We get though it.
I have put my dent in the world in all arenas of my own craft and they’ve been confirmed. I helped others. I ‘did good’ as we New Yorkers say.
Happy travels on your own path, might you be blessed enough to find it and follow your dreams, not anybody else’s. Trust me. It’ll make you happier, perhaps enlightened.
Thank you for being such a wonderful supportive and considerate audience all this time—I might post now and then in the future, and Porcelain Utopia will be up until 2015 as funding is limited. Other than that I don’t believe much more can or even should be said. I have reached all my goals today, ironically all at once. I can live with that and I can go and watch some TV and listen to more Duran Duran albums as I do every day to help keep me going, at least staying afloat.
[Now… this evening 2 days later on 06 Sept 2012 7:30 PM as I wait for a project to export, here’s a brief update as I was not going to had published the above. But now, regarding those miracles…]
7:20 PM: Speak of the Devil. Having written what is above in order to write for therapy, it turns out this morning I sold a new film and TV program. Wow, I suppose things work out in the end. I had began writing this a day or two earlier, and now, my new medicine regimen has in fact kinked in, plus my network in Hollywood and in the literary world are actually coming through, with over 200 emails and messages every hour now. This is apparently due to all that I’ve been putting such enormous effort into over the past few years, it’s paying off my the hour. I believe this is only the beginning. I am coming back. No, I am back. And I have got it! Here coming on 7:30 PM I think it’s about time to actually post this. It began on Tuesday, and things can really change in a day or two. I will keep you posted on the show and will just keep with the rebuilding of broken links here on this site and adding more posts when I get that miracle of just a little bit of time. Maybe a real God does exist. Always had the hope. And to get back to my professional life. Looking to be on the up and up. I must say I am proud of myself, forgiving and grateful, feeling a peace of mind again and at last.
I sure love to write. But off I go now to cut up more of an upcoming motion picture and moreover its music score for an oblique and surreal feature length film called Prototype. It’s one of those passion projects of mine. It looks like the money will be coming in after all with my television sale. Relief. The contract is simple and being revised slightly overnight. It will be in and done by tomorrow, Friday, the latest by early next week. Can’t wait to let you know about it further, I simply am not at leisure to at the moment. But it’s real and happening. It’s amazing. I want to keep this one safe, friends, and not ‘jinx’ a thing. And Bill Clinton, well, maybe his office will write back at some point. If not, nothing lost, and everything already gained in my opinion.
Again, please take the time to enjoy all the good and beauty Life has to offer, it’s sublime when you are able to see it that way, when you can, realistically.
Since the closing down of Porcelain Utopia in October 2013 Jonathan Harnisch has decrypted as much code and text possible, which thousands of hackers had corrupted breaking through the most sophisticated security software available. The former self hosted WordPress website had wielded single-handedly by Harnisch 25 million hits per day by its end and was written up in the press as the most viral WordPress blog known as it narrated Harnisch’s journey through schizophrenia. This is what remains.
-- Jonathan Harnisch