I Don't Think Many People Understand How Stressful It Is To Explain What's Going On In Your Head When You Don't Even Understand It Yourself
I don't think many people understand how stressful it is to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself. But I'll give it a shot. Sometimes I keep my feelings to myself more and more because it's so hard for other people to understand them. Sometimes, for example, though I enjoyed two full weeks of consecutively positive and active days, I don't think many people understand how much I can hate myself. So I am putting this out there because I have been depressed again, and I haven’t a care, but I think there is a part of me that does care. I woke up today, finally at noon but wishing that I didn't. It'll pass. It's just the nature of being a little fucked up in the head with schizophrenia, and so forth. It's a relief finally and after a while, to once again post something a bit more real that might otherwise be hidden by feelings, masked by some fake sentiment, as I may have been posting lately, whether it be about feeling good, or better than I might actually feel. I'm sorry that I am not perfect. I suppose I feel hurt, alone, and depressed. I have been crying myself to sleep lately, and again. I fake some smiles here and there at the local convenience shop or just here at home, and yet, I just still move on, on and on. In closing, sometimes when I say, “I'm okay,” I often want someone to look at me directly in the eyes, hug me tight and say, "I know you're not." To those who understand this, thank you.
-- Jonathan Harnisch