-- Jonathan Harnisch
I feel guilt and shame, sick and tired of having to apologize to those in my personal life for having the symptoms of schizophrenia. My symptoms of losing cognition and increased paranoia are drastically exacerbating each and every day. Everyone in my life is losing me to this disease. I just don't care about a thing, anymore, and I have in fact lost all hope as I have said. I am just surviving, that is all. I have lost most of my interests and don’t do much anymore, just lying down to nap or sleep it off, only to awaken with the reminder that I still have schizophrenia. I’ve learned I am alone however other people share similar experiences and feelings; this helps when I feel completely isolated and like a failure. I’ve learned that depression lies. I’ve learned that when I’m not affected by my fucked-up brain chemistry, I can see that my brain is not to be trusted. I write to myself when I am having one of my better days. It is a reminder that I’ll be okay again soon. I am aware of the importance of appreciating the good and the joy when it comes. I let myself be sad when I need to be. I often create a mental boundary around my body when I feel overwhelmed by other people. I call the suicide hotline when things become too challenging. I reach out on the Internet because I can find friends to talk to or to inspire me who understand when I’m too afraid to pick up a phone. I ask a family member to help when I need extra supervision so as not to end my life though so often I would like to. I thank people who help save me, however far too often I am my hero. I hide in my closet in the fetal position with my two cats. I share what helps. I learn from others. I don’t want it to get any worse though it likely will. I just want to live.
-- Jonathan Harnisch
MENTAL HEALTH EMAIL FROM MY PERSPECTIVE TO MY COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPIST REGARDING SCHIZOPHRENIA, ETC.: I had fallen asleep by the time I received your text reply. I am not too clear on what I would want to discuss. Indeed the overall lack of control I have over my life/lifestyle, (i.e. my wife, etc.,) over every little thing. Not being allowed to close my blinds when I would like onto dispensing/often incorrectly dispensing what I ingest into my body (i.e. medication, drinks, etc.,). Evidently, complicated matters. Some I might need and some are helpful, perhaps it's my shame, rather my sense of self-worth takes a tumble. Aside from IPT (above) onto medical: My psychiatrist (I do feel I cannot work with her, she is unwilling to talk healing/medicine, just as my wife (and my father) will not discuss finances.) Further, if I had skin cancer on my back for months, I wonder why hasn't it been addressed. Meantime I have been relapsing (worries me) not necessarily just to get control back, but because I'm dispensed approximately two small drinks and then unlimited tap water, and I become thirsty since it is liquids in general not just water as the hospital said which needs restriction. I have been driving out to get energy drinks and sodas, for each early morning. I understand all of this is complicated and can bring me down to thinking my life is one massive delusion. Then I become my literature. Never the less, I have some ideas on Wall Street perhaps. Otherwise, I have been using my funds to promote my Facebook page and purchase for my wife mostly expensive presents, a couple of thousand dollars in the past week alone with budgeted things for me, some not. These are things I like to do. But at least, you have my notes here having thought about it some. Yesterday I indeed blocked my psychiatrist (and my wife) from contacting me (paranoia, control, etc.) Too often I just can't handle the interpersonal conflicts. Other things, too, but I would likely focus on the overall control issue at hand, perhaps it is something deeper going on than what lay on the surface, control. Been doing well since I woke up at midnight, alone, here. I wish it could be that way forever. Maybe we can set up something earlier by phone today, or I can just see you on Tuesday. I am here in general until early afternoon usually. There’s more, my inability to speak sensibly, my bouts of anger, which I try to suppress, even on Facebook, to others and myself defending oneself and not admitting when they might or might not be just wrong. Think everyone is both jealous of me, and need, and want and then take all they can get from me, emotionally and physically, and so forth. Does this help? Want to talk this morning or noon or so, if I can? Thank you.
I love inspirational quotes and sayings. Most are simply reminders of how we should live life. Of course, this is easier said than done, and I think that's why they seem to float around everywhere, from Facebook and Twitter to blogs.
No matter how challenging things are in life, keep going. Never give up or quit. There are no other realistic options. We are all pushed to our limits at times, and there may seem to be no way out, no reason to move on, and no solution to whatever it is that is causing us to go through hell. What remains is hope, faith, and belief, although hope, faith, and belief on their own often cannot fix the problems and challenges we all face as we journey through our life—but action will. Keep trying over and over again. Through action, we will likely, though not necessarily, find a solution. When you've tried everything you can, change your approach, your perspective, or your angle, and battle onward. Do whatever you can. Just don't stop. I think this is what is meant by the saying "If you're going through hell, keep going". Keep going, because if you hang in there long enough, ultimately, things can and often will change for the better.
When I was initially diagnosed with depression in 1994 at the age of 18, I was prescribed antidepressants, including the newest of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). Unfortunately, the SSRIs triggered mania, and so, to combat this, I began to drink, which intensified my psychological instability and led to an addiction that I was finally able to overcome when I was 26. However, as difficult as the disorders have been, in many ways I have been blessed. Many call me a gifted artist, and I have frequently used my art to exorcise my demons of isolation and loneliness. In 1998, I dramatized these issues in my award-winning film Ten Years, which I wrote, produced, and directed while attending NYU's Tisch School of the Arts. In 2008, I once again dramatized the themes of isolation and loneliness in another award-winning film, On the Bus, which also explores the horrors and chaos of mental illness. Through the eyes of the main character, we see the uncontrollable, tumultuous symptoms of schizophrenia and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as brought on by a random act of violence.
However, a single act of violence rarely causes severe mental illness; current research indicates that mental illness is the result of a genetic predisposition combined with environmental factors. My case would seem to validate that research, as there is a history of mental illness in my family and I have suffered repeated trauma. Whatever the genesis, beginning in 2009 and culminating in the summer of 2010, I experienced a severe psychotic break that manifested in inappropriate violent outbursts and destructive behavior. Ultimately, however, this break brought me the help I needed, including a comprehensive psychological evaluation that provided me with an accurate diagnosis and the right medication.
Now psychologically stable, I invite others to witness my candid daily encounters with the symptoms of schizophrenia. I willingly and genuinely share my life through my literature, film productions, and iTunes podcasts. In the vein of prolific figures such as Elyn R. Saks, Kay Redfield Jamison, and liver Sacks. I illustrate my ongoing personal struggles with chronic mental illness, nurturing truth, acceptance, and community. My art, imagination, and various creative outlets are my catalyst for continuous resiliency and recovery. As I turn another engaging and uplifting page of my story, I hope to impact others positively through this publicized journey of how one individual copes with the perpetual whirlwind of schizophrenia and Tourette's syndrome.
The quote "If you're going through hell, keep going" is often attributed to Winston Churchill, though I have never come across any clear-cut citations. How can we apply this quote to mental illness and its associated stigma?
Let's cut to the chase and keep it simple: Don't give up. You are walking through what is or what seems like hell. Are you going to just sit there and suffer, or will you choose to keep going—to overcome? Take baby steps. If you're in a difficult situation, keep moving on to get out of it. Recall the quote: "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." This means that you should not stop going until you get all the way through and, therefore, out! You're in a bad situation? Plunge forward. Things get better.
What if there is no way out? What if things don't get better? Maybe you’ve had a stroke. Maybe you have amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS, or Lou Gehrig's disease) or Alzheimer's, where there is no improvement, only deterioration. Are you a victim? Change your approach, your perspective, your angle. Consider how far the famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking has come with ALS. Hold the course, and then things will get better. Life often gets worse before it can get better. Life can press your brake pedal. What is there to do? How are we to deal with it? Do you roll over and take what life throws at you, crying poor me? Do you stand up to life without fear?
Are you worrying that it's not going to be easy? Nothing worthwhile is. It's how you deal with things and overcome what life throws at you that matters; it's about finding your worth, who you are, and your place in the world—what you give to the world and what the world gives to you. There is joy and sorrow. It is about learning about life and how we deal with it. It means that if things are really bad and life seems hellish, you don't give up and stop trying. Keep battling on until things improve.
If you think about it, life itself means "Don't give up." You walk through what at times is or seems like hell. "Just sit there," says that voice in your head, that imp, "and suffer." I suggest you fight intrusive, self-sabotaging thinking. Keep going through it to get through it. When I find myself in a difficult situation, I do my best, as gently as I can, to keep moving forward. I may never get out of schizophrenia—rather, schizophrenia may never, in my lifetime, get out of me. I keep hope and faith alive. I always do my best, and sometimes I miss the mark completely, over and over again.
So many quotes and famous sayings from Henry Ford come to mind. I invite you to ponder this quote, although it might not seem relevant to my thesis in this essay: "My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me." Make schizophrenia or your mental health condition your friend. Befriend yourself, trust the universe, and allow the universe to trust you. Trust in your higher power or God, if you have one, or just the reasonable part of you, your core when the mental illness is stripped away. Be who you are. Make mistakes. Dance. Love. Dislike. Judge or be judged. We are all here just trying our best to get by, playing it by ear. Life is in real time. There is no dress rehearsal. Part of the reason I prefer writing over communicating verbally is that I can later rehearse my writing by editing while also following my number one rule of writing first drafts, which I often publish, without any censor.
I often describe my experience with schizophrenia as every neuron in my brain misfiring. It sounds devastating. It is devastating. But if and when I am able to change my angle and perspective on suffering, I find that I struggle but I don't suffer. And I keep going. Hell? Hell no!
Maybe you have schizophrenia dominating your life as I do. Maybe you have a mental illness or physical ailment. Or maybe you're a "normie," an average person living life diagnosis-free. We all have our issues. To quote one of my books, "We all have problems, but let's not kid ourselves: it's how we deal with them that makes the difference." I consider myself a still-recovering schizophrenic, an accomplished writer, producer, and musician who blogs and podcasts about mental illness, New Age ideas, and transgressive literature.
In closing, be kind to yourself and others. Everyone is fighting their own battles and many unspoken secret wars. I am grateful that my readers sometimes consider me one of those voices that is able to communicate what far too many cannot.
Keep on keeping on.
Jonathan Harnisch, The Brutal Truth
I am terrified of my early onset schizophrenia that is a serious, chronic mental illness that causes delusional or hallucinogenic thoughts. The primary symptom of the rare blood disease I have diagnosed in December 2015 (I can never remember the name) is the same for the symptoms mentions above for schizophrenia. I feel like iii am losing my mind. It is terrifying. The negative process of thinking, behavior and confusion have been elevated beyond belief. I just can't think straight for thy life off me, and I have been sleeping fine, diet is OK, and I am taking my medication as prescribed. I believe my doctors, family and caregivers are plotting to institutionalize me. If any of you experience the same, please know you are not the only one. Also, I celebrate 13 years clean and sober later this week. …Nausea, dizziness, memory problems, confusion, and more. MRI is soon regarding the brain tumor. I just want to live. I just want to live! Have a good evening. I will catch up on your hundreds off comments another time. I hope you can forgive me for being behind. I am trying to juggle too many balls at once, and I just can't think straight or remember anything. My entire medical team is on high alert, so I do have help and support no matter where my thinking goes as far as posting online in the future, paranoid of those who are here to help. They apparently are. This is the hugest battle I had ever fought. Wise than quitting, well, the worst "junk" out there, years and year ago. My life has not turned out where I had ever thought. I am completely trapped. My mood then changes. Mozart music, in particular, his noted Serenade in B-flat, K. 361 "Gran partita": III. Adagio. Thank you. And welcome new followers. You happened to catch me at an awkward time, on a bit of a detour if you will. I don't know. My cognitive abilities are declining, seemingly by the minute. My experiences have become so frightening I can't even begin to tell you; I just want to live and be free of all of this. But I am not out of the woods yet.
Good morning everyone. Hello to all my friends around the world! Have a magnificent day! Just do your best in all you do, even if you fall short!
No matter how you feel get up dress up and show up and never give up.
When I can, though all the good and bad times, through thick and thin, I want to inspire people. I want someone to look at me or think of me and say "Because of you, I did not give up..." I don't give up!
If your big dream scares the shit out of you, you're really onto something. In fact, it's your crystal ball answer to the question of "should I do this?" Live a kick ass life. You deserve it!
Living with schizophrenia and therefore with a brain that doesn't work from time to time my life can become difficult, but I keep moving ahead, as always, knowing I am a good person and that I am worth it.
Just breathe... in every moment we begin again.
Considering I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, PTSD, borderline personality disorder, Tourette’s syndrome, diabetes, anxiety and depression, a rare blood disease, dyslexia, and cancer, I am doing okay. At the end of the storm, there's always a golden sky.
We have to fight some bad days to earn the best days of our lives.
If you or a loved one has schizophrenia do not let it have you fight your fucking hardest and give it your all and everything to fight the war with your own mind and never ever give up doing your damnedest to live the life that you want to live no matter what again do you not ever fucking give up no matter what your mental health diagnosis is or whether you are just dealing with the fucked up mess of life. In the meantime if you are having a good day you better fucking appreciate it because those are extremely rare for people like me diagnosed with severe mental and terminal physical illness. PS the door here is always open for you to come and go as you please just do not as they say block the doorway and take up space. Love me or hate me. That's up to you. Believe in yourself and always keep the hope and faith alive no matter what!
Schizophrenia is a complex illness. Mental health experts are not sure what causes it. Genes may play a role.
Never give up! Keep on fighting. Don't let your demons beat you.
I will have 13 years drugs and alcohol-free on Friday. I will have one month (30 days) off cigarettes on Saturday. My 40th birthday is on Sunday. Aside from that my apologies for bringing up something or anything uninspiring but I have to vent for a second. One of my bank accounts and my PayPal accounts compromised three days ago. I have no help. I don't want help, feeling ignored by everyone in my real and personal life as the scapegoat. I have done all l am able. Lost $6,000 so far. It brings up severe PTSD symptoms. I feel stuck. It is complicated because the account isn’t under my name. Again, as anything with me and my mental illnesses are, “it’s complicated,” my doctor proclaims. Where is my wife? My life? My mind? Schizophrenic. Where is my family? For crying out loud, and so I locked myself in my office again for the day, cancelling all appointments. I don't like days like this. But they all pass. ?
Welcome everybody, to Wonderland, effing Wonderland at times. I am feeling a bit better and stronger now. Following is some writing therapy I did earlier today, unedited. I feel so indebted to all of you, even to those who leave this Facebook page. Many of you have written suggesting that I may perhaps appear to be exhausted and in need of relaxation rest and some time off. I plan on doing so whether or not I end up succeeding in taking time off to face the universe, literally, and devastatingly alone. I look into the mirror every day lately, and I see a complete sleepless and lost stranger in myself, and others in my "real" inter-personal life and conventionally accepted life itself. I've been battling severe comorbid schizophrenia and related psychotic and dissociative mental health conditions for most of my life now as well as otherwise "normal" life issues and so forth. I feel that it might be time for me to submit perhaps surrender and allow my mental and physical health conditions to take over my life experiences, permitting me to live a great deal more if not fully in my otherwise delusional and hallucinatory landscape in the world where I am most familiar and comfortable. Thank you for understanding, if you do. Overall, I am exhausted and need some time off. Thank you, everybody, I feel much better having written out these feelings, otherwise feeling abandoned in the overall enterprise at the same time neglected and abused controlled cornered trapped and stuck. Need time to think and work on some art projects. Want to get cut off from the world. Just want to be alone for a bit. This morning I have an important medical appointment for some blood conditions I endured over the last couple years but still surviving, I'd rather not go into detail about it. It's just scary. I am trying to hold onto the saying that most things we worry about don't happen, in other words, to hear bad news. I've done all I can since the last doctor's visit for the problem. I'll just say that it is potentially life threatening. But... I will end it there. It's just a bit scary, so I am cutting up some random and old film stock here in my production office for the time being to bring back memories from when I began shooting film on Super 8 and some early video, documenting my life. Feels nostalgic to see some of the footage after 20, 30 years. Sometimes I just miss certain parts of times past. But I'll be around. Just so happy I went in and on my own, for the first time in public otherwise overwhelmed by all the people and lights at the Apple Store to finally get my main computer fixed after months and months using an iPhone as my desktop. It's a strange experience knowing I have a likelihood of 5 or so years left to live. Makes you think, and cry. But I look at the world in a whole different way, just in case, you know? But I am not upset about it. I don't know quite why. I invited my father out to visit the other day, as well. We've been estranged since 2010. I am also giving away some of my expensive gadgets and things, like my top of the line 3D TV, to some of the staff here on my compound. I don't need them. I like them, but I've worked hard this year and actually made enough money on my own, and not even as much from book sales, and film and TV checks from my film distributor, but from Wall Street, my primary career, technically as a hedge fund manager, like my father, just on a smaller scale, of course. I don’t know. I feel like all I am doing is making up things to get sympathy. I do not like that about myself, not one bit. Sometimes you have to be your own hero. Schizophrenia is a devastating illness that affects approximately 1% of the population. Its primary impact is on thought, and its cardinal symptom is psychotic thinking in affecting individuals. Besides, however, it can affect many aspects of cortical function. Although great strides have occurred in treating this disorder, it remains one of the most debilitating of psychiatric disorders. And here I am, living with a terminal illness as I am diagnosed with something new every year, for the past 40 years, from birth; I was a still born. I feel like Stephen Hawking smile emoticon Surviving schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, PTSD, borderline personality disorder, Tourette's syndrome, diabetes, anxiety and depression, a rare blood disease, dyslexia, and cancer…. I will be following up with an MRI for a cyst in the pituitary gland in my brain. I am a survivor. I am my own hero. I have lived this long and as I am with achievement and failure all the while in an overarching cognitive decline. Losing my mind, with schizophrenia is difficult, but losing awareness makes it wiser I must admit. If you know somebody, please pick up the phone and call him or her, or sent a text message and just see how they are without any expectations or attempt to fix him or her. Trust me it may make a difference no matter how it goes, and it might not even seem as such, but it might make a huge difference. I speak from experience. I wish I could write more, but my fingers cramped from the side effects of all the antipsychotic medication. It began in 1988. I was 12. 80mg Haldol. My life changed ever since. This is life. This is my life. Right now. It's my perspective. The only perspective I know, real or unreal. The 6 knock-out vitamins, 2 per hour helped me sleep longer and the Rockstars, despite my blood condition and it being affected by excess of liquids and then the diabetes insipidus, and so forth, I am just doing what I want to do, I mean I can't even have more than glass of water a day or else I end up back again in the emergency room, it's a silly disease, real, yes, but worth the diet of basically no liquids? No. Not now. One thing at a time, and my hands and fingers, my limbs are so tense and cramped from the Thorazine I am on; it is hard but I always, always come through to the light. My own work is all helping as well, the liquids, sipping them as I have been since 6:30 AM, and so forth as I said, I am just having some trouble sequencing my thoughts; putting a hold on my next novel until I can shy away from the avant-garde heavy duty, or difficult reading… Blah. Blip, Bam, and boom. Can I kick it? Yes, sure I can, I am kicking butt. As far as the Pay Pal and Wells Fargo matter? I have decided to close the account at WF today, at the branch, just down the street, I'll walk. It's fine. No one is here, to help, again, Jonathan is the "billionaire schizophrenic," bull. Sociopaths run my life. That is my perspective, my point of view. It is real to me. I don't need paychecks from Peconic Partners, my father's firm, nor from my art and moreover my bestselling books. My father controls my other trust accounts in any case. I don't know. Blah… The cognitive decline is not funny and my father in January? Another misunderstanding, now he said he is NOT coming out BECAUSE I asked him not to when I said DO come out, That is schizophrenia. In any event, I feel estranged from my wife. But as I began this I am feeling better and stronger now. Maybe I will take a shower soon. I am trying to drain my Wells Fargo account so that the Pay Pal hacker will not be able to pay for the thing she is. P.S. I own quite a bit of Pay Pal stock on Wall Street. I am selling all of it today, I laugh at my love for the company itself, or their common stock, as an investment, but I've never trusted Pay Pal nor eBay, and I have never used either in my life.
Success in life comes when you refuse to give up, with goals so strong that obstacles, failure and loss only act as motivation.
While one depressed person may experience feelings of sadness. I had a lot to give to this world especially when I was feeling great, and always hoped and prayed that one morning I could wake up, and all of the distress would be over, but was too hard, for too long. I can't do it. And so, I am sad to report that I have slept on this several times, and I have given up at last. I have lost all hope.
Life is hard. Healing hurts. Moving forward is terrifying for many people.
Have a good day. You are amazing. Remember that. If you have the power to make someone happy, please do it. The world needs more of that.
September 6, 2012, Porcelain Utopia
There are times in Life when I have to deal with “awful” things; things I just can’t ignore. The way I cope is by giving such things all the time and attention they need, however, not one single second longer than that. I invite you to do the same.
Take the time to enjoy all the good and beauty Life has to offer.
Over the years in my own darkness, and even the light—all of it, especially the loss of my family, finances and my mind (even over 1,000 hours of film and video footage I shot since I was 11) as I often bring up on The Real Me podcast, Porcelain Utopia and my documentaries, I always had hope. At one time (I think it’s in one of my other documentaries) I speak candidly, in my own self-aware psychosis about having nothing, at least nothing “good,” and that I didn’t even want help, and even then I always had hope. It started with my not knowing what I was even hoping for (perhaps a miracle, or just some relief, wanting to press the pause button of Life) from there, patience, then mindfulness, and the camera which I’d look into and just talk to my then-invisible audience. Spirituality was always there and even with the schizophrenia, I had my “imaginary friends” (if that makes sense?) The ‘positive‘ symptoms (voices and hallucinations) both good and evil—the “good,” the angels, always cancelled out the “evil”—told me I was brilliant, gave me brilliant ideas, many of a grandiose nature, but then again, most of my life had been rather grand and abundant.
Taking such well respected theorists (Carl Jung, John Weir Perry, and R.D. Laing’s) approach that there’s so much we don’t know about Life, but that science might even suggest that such symptoms, could very well be real in some way, and with all the loss and trauma for example, and the idea, not even a belief necessarily that “everything happens for a reason…” I still couldn’t see the meaning, so I came up with my own, and then the hope became my purpose. It grew and changed and evolved, as did my authenticity, and lately my self-acceptance and forgiveness of others’ actions, especially my own, and the way that I looked at the world. I took the leap and when I began to change the way I thought (which can be difficult with Sz) my values changed, also out of need, but with time, the miracles started to occur, just not as I had expected. Sometimes I just have to stay put and let go completely. It’s often impossible not to get caught up in the moment of negativity for me, whether I just bruised my hand on a door, or some drawn-out legal matter is haunting every minute of the day, but once I could get that far, and start really thinking, believing and feeling simultaneously all the little clichéd quotes like the ones I sometimes post on Porcelain Utopia and elsewhere, they’re all incredibly true. Currently I’ve been choosing which things in my life I want to deal with and just do one thing at a time, in my own way. Being true to myself first, then others and when I miss the mark, I start over.
If any of you are still struggling (I think we all are and we are all in need of healing in some way or another) I’m confident you will succeed and come out of the darkness where most of you already know is where the light is.
I’m so happy that I have touched so many of you in some way. My goal had always been just one person, and now my “audience” is well over 100 million. To some I’m otherwise just some mental health problem; to my best of friends and myself, I am a person. And we all are. What we have in common is Love. I could write volumes about this, and actually I do have many movies, books, and art not online, just on my list. But most are complete.
As I wrote to a close friend this morning, “Feel my big bear hug. I feel yours. It’s unbelievable. “
I received an email from Bill Clinton’s office a short while ago [revision: 2 days ago, having written this part on Sept. 4th] asking me for additional information to recognize me for my work in mental health advocacy. A minute later, the head of a major Hollywood studio I was acquainted with during my years working in Los Angeles and New York wrote me about a $200 million budget period piece film script I’d written that’s been sitting on my shelf for over ten years, as well as his own. It was apparent they were going to green light it after all this time.
My browser and Internet and even my website crashed for a minute and the two emails and all it’s data instantly deleted. As an official developer for Google (I use Gmail and Chrome) and have owned Google stock since day one which is worth over $1.2 billion today. My family took control of it in January 2010. I have no credit and no money, my credit score had been around 780-790 and now I’m still in debt.
The finances that allowed me to purchase Google IPO came from a conceptual patent which as I have written and spoken of in the past outlined the online shopping interface initially for Price Club. It was called the Price Club Quest. It still exists as a kiosk in most major retail stores today. My father was a founding financier of the company at the time (1991—I was 15 and the Internet was just released to the public by the British.) Such companies as Amazon, Wal-Mart and Target have benefited from my written idea. I have held onto the original records, dated and signed as well.
Today [again, 2 days ago now] it was confirmed from a notable patent attorney contact who wrote me an hour or two after writing him, that I indeed I have all that I need even without an actual patent in order to not only avoid court, and to first get the patent itself, the records are in fact the only necessary items. I had scanned him a copy. Mainly a forty-page writing piece with diagrams, research, analysis and the like.
[Still, 2 days ago…] I’m deciding a sort of vow of poverty in this matter, as within I assume a few moths but I don’t know, and with no fee, I could quadruple my actual net worth which was removed from me because I am mentally ill—perhaps brilliantly “insane” (ugh…) nevertheless, I have chosen to not pursue this, which would simply be a matter of replying “Yes, I’ll hand over the Price Club Quest file,” (he would come out here to avoid any errors or loss of mail via carrier.)
I want my life and I have it today I received likely the greatest gifts via email—miracles. And all I want to do is spend time on my farm, with our horses, goats, donkeys, ducks, dogs, cats and bird. All I want to do is make my little music therapy tunes, my homemade iMovie and YouTube videos, and to help one of my best friends in the world who happens to have once been the most famous person in the world, he now struggles himself.
I have now stabilized for over three months on my medication and therapy regimen for my diagnosis with a rare schizophrenia spectrum disorder with autistic features often presenting me with gifts, “visions’ and miracles. My otherwise bad day does not mean I have a bad life. In the heat of my own otherwise-darkness right now, and my dilemma which is in my favor, I just want to continue what I am doing and decline credit or restitution for simply helping the world in feeling okay with their own mental health issues by offering inspiration when I am able, and to just know of my countless other achievements in film and TV which having entertained millions, and that others in the world, and myself, are able to purchase almost anything on the Internet. I think my job is done.
This might very well be my last actual blog post on Porcelain Utopia and recording on The Real Me Podcast. Things change and we’ll just have to see. I’m just longing for the simpler life, eliminating stress and even the pressure I feel to constantly be producing and creating. It often tends to become too much for me, to feel the need, for the most part all the time, to do. At least I am approaching my work much less as imperatively, so I can focus more on my own health and Life, making choices and decisions, which sometimes change.
I’ve already sent in my letters of resignation as for developing software for Google, Apple and Microsoft. I have saved all my royalty checks from my published anthologies, as the physical checks framed on my wall means more than $50 here, $100 there.
I know who I am and I know what I want. I know that I change. We all change, and we survive. We get though it.
I have put my dent in the world in all arenas of my own craft and they’ve been confirmed. I helped others. I ‘did good’ as we New Yorkers say.
Happy travels on your own path, might you be blessed enough to find it and follow your dreams, not anybody else’s. Trust me. It’ll make you happier, perhaps enlightened.
Thank you for being such a wonderful supportive and considerate audience all this time—I might post now and then in the future, and Porcelain Utopia will be up until 2015 as funding is limited. Other than that I don’t believe much more can or even should be said. I have reached all my goals today, ironically all at once. I can live with that and I can go and watch some TV and listen to more Duran Duran albums as I do every day to help keep me going, at least staying afloat.
[Now… this evening 2 days later on 06 Sept 2012 7:30 PM as I wait for a project to export, here’s a brief update as I was not going to had published the above. But now, regarding those miracles…]
7:20 PM: Speak of the Devil. Having written what is above in order to write for therapy, it turns out this morning I sold a new film and TV program. Wow, I suppose things work out in the end. I had began writing this a day or two earlier, and now, my new medicine regimen has in fact kinked in, plus my network in Hollywood and in the literary world are actually coming through, with over 200 emails and messages every hour now. This is apparently due to all that I’ve been putting such enormous effort into over the past few years, it’s paying off my the hour. I believe this is only the beginning. I am coming back. No, I am back. And I have got it! Here coming on 7:30 PM I think it’s about time to actually post this. It began on Tuesday, and things can really change in a day or two. I will keep you posted on the show and will just keep with the rebuilding of broken links here on this site and adding more posts when I get that miracle of just a little bit of time. Maybe a real God does exist. Always had the hope. And to get back to my professional life. Looking to be on the up and up. I must say I am proud of myself, forgiving and grateful, feeling a peace of mind again and at last.
I sure love to write. But off I go now to cut up more of an upcoming motion picture and moreover its music score for an oblique and surreal feature length film called Prototype. It’s one of those passion projects of mine. It looks like the money will be coming in after all with my television sale. Relief. The contract is simple and being revised slightly overnight. It will be in and done by tomorrow, Friday, the latest by early next week. Can’t wait to let you know about it further, I simply am not at leisure to at the moment. But it’s real and happening. It’s amazing. I want to keep this one safe, friends, and not ‘jinx’ a thing. And Bill Clinton, well, maybe his office will write back at some point. If not, nothing lost, and everything already gained in my opinion.
Again, please take the time to enjoy all the good and beauty Life has to offer, it’s sublime when you are able to see it that way, when you can, realistically.
Since the closing down of Porcelain Utopia in October 2013 Jonathan Harnisch has decrypted as much code and text possible, which thousands of hackers had corrupted breaking through the most sophisticated security software available. The former self hosted WordPress website had wielded single-handedly by Harnisch 25 million hits per day by its end and was written up in the press as the most viral WordPress blog known as it narrated Harnisch’s journey through schizophrenia. This is what remains.
-- Jonathan Harnisch
My name is Jonathan Harnisch. I have schizophrenia with psychotic features, but schizophrenia and psychosis do not have me. I cannot distinguish what is real and what is not real. My thoughts, mood and behavior are altered, and they change frequently.
Sometimes I believe that I live in a psychiatric hospital and that my experience is worse than a hellish nightmare. At other times, I don't believe this. I see and interact with people who aren’t there, and I battle through countless other extremely uncomfortable symptoms. I believe that my medical team is currently taking me off all my medication.
My overall goal online is to inspire hope and resilience as a survivor of severe trauma that has led to dissociative disorders and schizophrenia. However, I struggle, not suffer. I post and publish what I want and what I feel, no matter what mood or state of mind I am in. However, I always do my best to keep things positive. I admire people who keep as positive an attitude as they can. Even though we all have our battles and bad days, this simply does not mean that we have a bad life. A negative mind will never give you a positive life.
The world suffers greatly due to the silence of good people. Keep going! Keep hope and faith alive! Living with schizophrenia and, therefore, with a brain that from time to time doesn't work means that my life can become difficult. However, I keep moving ahead, as always, knowing deep down inside that I am a good person and that I am worthy of a good life. Given that I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, a brain injury, Tourette’s syndrome, diabetes, anxiety, depression, a rare blood disease, dyslexia, and cancer, I am doing okay. At the end of the storm there is always a golden sky. Writing in general—and writing this piece in particular—helps me by enabling me to stay in the moment and to share my experiences publicly.
I have recently had several days completely to myself, which provided me, at first, with certain feelings of abandonment and more solitude than I would otherwise have wanted, alongside moments of agitation, frustration, and anxiety. These feelings have fluctuated with familiar and comfortable times spent with myself and with my two cats in my home in the guest house of my family’s large property in a small village in New Mexico.
I would like to point out that prior to 2010 I was an extremely wealthy and successful person, which made my precise diagnoses with mental illnesses difficult, as I used to be able to just pay for anything I needed or wanted. This difficulty was increased because of my natural abilities, as I have always been known to be very smart and I have always taken some pride in being so. I have been able to write volumes about my past, but my goal now is to stay as grounded in the present as I am able to be. This is because a change has occurred in me, something perhaps bordering on the profound.
Yesterday, I watched a documentary film called A Sister's Call about a man with schizophrenia, who eventually gets better and better over the years. By the end of this film, I felt a change in myself. During my decline, I lost a great deal of what I had, much like the schizophrenic man portrayed in the movie. I was able to relate in quite a few ways, although I think that the changes in me actually first began years ago, when, as a boy, I would often read about schizophrenia and related conditions, as well as self-help material. I have come to realize what I had, what I have, and what I want so far as this pertains to my health, my lifestyle, and, yes, my life. Independence.
I have been and am still dependent on people, as well as tobacco and medication. I have lost a great deal of my cognitive abilities over the past few years—and a great deal more since earlier this year. I continue my journaling as usual, but I feel different, maybe better, maybe not. There is no cure for schizophrenia.
I have read about living independently. However, I have overlooked the benefits of being able to take care of myself as far as possible. Even this possibility never really crossed my mind. Maybe I just had to see this movie at this particular time. I am glad for once. I know what I want and perhaps what I might even need. Independence. I already have a job and a loving wife and people to help me.
I began to think about how financially lucky I had once been and how, when I lost that, I let my condition get the best of me. I think my illnesses and their unbelievably complex symptoms have given rise to blame and denial. It wasn’t that I changed my thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs. Instead, these have changed and shifted inside me. That is how I now see it. Yesterday I started to plan as efficiently and as realistically as possible, given my limitations, fears, and emotional dysregulation. All in all, I’ll see how it goes.
Some bumps have come up already, which is natural, and I’m just giving this independence thing a shot. However, I do have hope. Nothing unrealistic. I have felt a delicate—and relative—equilibrium over the past 24 hours. That is rare. We’ll see how it goes. One day at a time and one step at a time. Easy does it.
Once again, I try to make a good day out of what has been, but I end up hidden inside the fog of schizophrenia and asociality. Asociality refers to the lack of motivation to engage in social interaction, or a preference for solitary activities. Poor social and vocational outcomes have long been observed in schizophrenia.
I do not like interpersonal relationships or schizophrenia. I prefer to be asocial. I know many people miss me. Everybody does. I often miss myself. I sit, as I conclude this right now, completely alone, alone in the dark.
My goal is to raise mental health awareness to put an end to the stigma and maltreatment that occur so often regarding those with mental illness and physical disabilities. I continue to keep hope and faith alive. I will move on. I will move on! Thank you for blessing me with your prayers and well-wishes. I sincerely appreciate you, God, and life. Keep fighting! Let those of us who suffer from or struggle with chronic mental health conditions remember that we might have schizophrenia or a mental illness but it doesn’t have us. We cannot allow it to have us.
-- Jonathan Harnisch
Dear Readers, Re Pituitary Tumor: I had been keeping some health conditions and possible health conditions to myself since my hospital visit last month when I almost lost my life. I might have to get an MRI due to my rare blood condition, this, aside from my complex mental health conditions, primarily those within the schizophrenia spectrum syndrome likely set on by complex trauma. But I have reason to live. Regarding a possible cyst in my pituitary gland and losing vision, I'll write a bit about some of the "consider me as a rare case," material I have been gathering since December, though. Currently, nobody medially is immediately concerned, so things look okay enough for now. I have just been getting blood tests and making consistent and continuous visits to the hospital and endocrinologist. My apologies, for I can barely type, with nausea and lack of control over my fingers, I'll see if I can drop this text into one of the editing programs I use to write my literature. Before reading what is below, please know that if my latest blood test, which tested for quite some possibilities complicated by thy antipsychotic medication I am on, the cyst is likely benign but if it is not, it apparently treated with medication, pituitary tumors (adenomas) that do not secrete active hormones, clinically nonfunctioning pituitary adenomas. Most are large (macroadenomas), measuring more than one centimeter in size at the time of diagnosis. Patients start experiencing symptoms when the giant tumor compresses the optic nerves, leading to vision loss, or the loss of normal pituitary function. Clinically nonfunctioning pituitary adenomas make up about half of pituitary adenomas. The vast majority of them are benign. There are several possible reasons why nonfunctioning pituitary adenomas could occur: Typically, the body produces hormones by taking a larger molecule and cutting it at the right places to create a functioning hormone. In some cases, something is wrong with this cutting process, and a "functional" hormone fails production. The hormone might still travel into the bloodstream, but it is inactive and usually cannot be detected using standard blood tests. In some cases, the hormone might be formed inside the cell, but there is something wrong with the transport process that is required to release it into the bloodstream. In other cases, the tumor cells do not produce a hormone. The most common symptoms are due to the large tumor compressing nearby structures, leading to vision loss/vision with Bitemporal Hemianopsia: When large pituitary adenomas (macroadenomas) grow upward into the brain cavity, the tumor can elevate and compress the optic chiasm. A loss of the outer peripheral vision called a bitemporal hemianopsia. When severe, a patient can only see what is directly in front of them; many patients do not become aware of their visual loss until it is quite difficult. Other obvious problems include Loss of visual acuity (blurry vision), especially if the macroadenoma grows forward and compresses an optic nerve. Inability to recognize colors as brightly as usual. I just want to live to be 40 on January 17th, 2016. I have hope. Thank you, Jonathan Harnisch. #UCLA @UCLAHospitalist #WeSupportJonathan
Imperfection is lovable. Just for today, let’s let ourselves be exactly who we are. We must embrace our imperfections. Perfection is boring. Our imperfections are what make us truly beautiful. There is no need to be perfect, to inspire others. Let's allow others to be inspired by how we deal with our flaws, our imperfections, the circumstances that cause us to feel inadequate. After all, to conquer our shortcomings, we must accept them. We are all beautifully flawed. Beautifully imperfect. Beautifully... us.
— Jonathan Harnisch
Schizophrenia is a chronic brain disorder characterized by the presence and absence of particular symptoms. Positive symptoms present in schizophrenia include cognitive issues/disorganized thinking, and the experience of delusions or hallucinations. Negative symptoms include the apparent absence of emotional expression. A combination of medication, support services and therapy is the most effective way to minimize schizophrenia symptoms.